sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
