if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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