Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
