Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
