i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
did i just pee glitter
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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