Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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