he was CRYING into my vagina
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
