Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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