Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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