Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
