Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Randomize
