I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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