My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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