I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
