My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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