my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
