Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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