Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
