Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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