I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
