Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
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