theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
