I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
