No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
