I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
