He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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