Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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