that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
