how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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