I wish my penis had an off switch
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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