She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
