Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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