My Higher Power is John Stamos
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
