Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
