woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
