i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
