Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
