i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
