Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
