brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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