so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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