It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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