your thong is hanging out like whoa
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
