Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
