my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
