Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize