I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
