I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
