Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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