the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
