Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Drake has all the answers
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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