You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
