I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
