Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
