Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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